May 5th, 2004



I'm not feeling well. It's a condition I've had before and maybe I always will from time to time. The fact that it is manifesting itself so strongly is upsetting. I guess that it will pass. Let's hope not by the usual means. I'm finding it hard to write a lucid sentence at the moment. So what exactly is this curious state exactly? It's a state of anticipation. I'm anticipating that I am going to get extremely fucked on drugs.

I have no conscious desire to do so and I'm hoping I don't. Nevertheless, some switch has been flicked and my body is acting as if I have made the decision to do so. It's waiting. As to what has triggered this isn't clear. I'm not going to pretend that the power of this temptation isn't very strong. One problem, and something that may encourage the state, is that I'm not poor at the moment. I'm not rich in the long term, but in the short term damn-your-tomorrow way, I definitely am.

I'd very much like not to be spending the next 48 hours in some advanced state of narcosis. I haven't fallen off that wagon in a few years. Left to my own devices, I'd end up blowing large sums on crack and heroin and god knows what else that I already know don't actually address the real hunger itself. I really don't seem to be able to write about this competently. Suffice to say, should anyone reading this journal fancy giving me a ring, they would be welcome to do so. Even writing that made me feel a little less likely to give in.

Welcome back, monkey, but please piss off sharpish. Not impossible that it might have been started off by this Johnny Cash sings Desperado and the monkey acts it out flash clip from The Big Smoker via Dr Ellis of Zenarchery. I am that monkey. Can monkeys operate gun triggers though, isn't there some thumb issue going on? Maybe that's why he fans the trigger. Single-action revolver. Very classy. None of that MAC-10 bullshit.

Georgia is inching towards a civil war with Adjara. It's hard to tell from reports to what extent the population of Adjara would support any moves to depose Abashidze. Don't watch this space, try this one...

I feel a little better. Stating this desire openly makes it much harder for me to act on the indulgence.