Almost a month ago, I switched on the RADIO and listened to a programme that would change my life forever. I'll admit what I have to tell you may seem UNBELIEVABLE at first, and you are free to doubt me, but it is IMPORTANT that I record this story somewhere so, in GENERATIONS to come, someone may yet fully uncover the TRUTH behind these matters.
Following an unsuccessful ASSASSINATION attempt on myself [see below - Ed.], it has been made clear that MY LIFE is in jeopardy and I may only have a few moments remaining in which to tell you of my DISCOVERIES. Moments here at home in which I will establish WITHOUT DOUBT a conspiracy and eat perhaps the final BACON SANDWICH of my existence.
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